Kathy Montgomery
The Arizona Republic
Nov. 15, 2003 12:00 AM
For better or for worse, our kids are wired.
As many as 75 percent of American kids between the ages of 12
and 17 surf the Internet, according to the Pew Internet &
American Life Project, and both parents and kids surveyed agree
that that's mostly a good thing.
On the other hand, parents worry about their offspring getting
into trouble.
A lot of parents have turned to technology to help keep tabs
on their kids, including using software that filters content or
limits the amount of time kids spend online.
The newest wave of software includes monitoring or "spy"
programs, which let parents see everything their kids are doing,
giving parents access to every e-mail, instant message and chat
room, even capturing passwords.
Monitoring software can warn children they are being watched,
or it can be invisible. Some programs even e-mail kids' Internet
activity to parents while they are at work or away from home.
Unfortunately, kids are most vulnerable at precisely the age
they begin to assert their right to privacy.
So, what's a parent to do?
"Their desire for privacy is countered by my need to be
vigilant," Scottsdale mom Suanne Rudley says of her two daughters,
Leigh, 11, and Maddy, 13. "I think parents are naive if they
think there is not some potential for their kids to get exposed
to undesirable elements on the Internet."
Few experts take issue with the use of filtering software, but
monitoring software, particularly when used invisibly, is more
controversial.
"It's something many parents want," says Joshua Finer,
president of Software4parents.com, an Internet site that sells
filtering and monitoring programs.
"I think of it differently than sneaking into a child's
room and reading their diary. A diary is a child's personal thoughts.
The Internet is two-way communication. Once you reveal something
like a name, address and phone number, it's very difficult to
take back."
On the other hand, Mary Rimsza, a specialist in adolescent medicine
and director of health services at Arizona State University, says
parents should think long and hard before they resort to spying.
"My personal feeling is that parents do better to let children
know they are going to supervise them," she says. "It
builds better relationships."
Kevin Leehey, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Tucson,
agrees. Although Leehey acknowledges that extreme circumstances
may warrant snooping, in most cases, he says, it's a bad idea.
"Generally, my experience is that when information is gained
that way, the issue becomes, 'Why are you invading my privacy?'
"
It's important to set the tone early, he adds.
It's easier to keep an eye on what your kids are doing if the
computer is in a public area, and it's easier to start out that
way than to take a computer out of a child's room if there's a
problem.
But even the best filtering software has limitations.
"I have parental (filtering) controls on my Internet account,
but even with that, there's content I'm worried about them seeing,"
Rudley says. "There's a way that content can sneak in even
when you think there are controls."
Rudley says keeping the computers in the family room provides
a natural control.
"The kids cannot be on the computer doing anything that
is not viewable by everyone," she says.
Rudley believes the real key is in talking with her kids. They've
talked about the fact that people are not always who they appear
to be on the Internet, and that even kid-friendly Web sites often
try to get information that can be used to get kids to buy things.
"This is their long-term education process," she says.
"It's not like you sit down one time and everyone is clear
on it. Like any other habits related to kids, those are long and
frequent conversations."
Most important is striking a balance, Rudley says.
"I think the computer is a magnet for (kids)," she
says. "The best thing you can do is to be able to teach them
to make intelligent choices in using it."
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